


cruel and unusual

by hailingstars



Series: unbelievably unlikely (febuwhump 2020) [13]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man (Tom Holland Movies)
Genre: Allergies, Fluff, Gen, Peter Parker is a Little Shit, Peter Parker is a Mess, Pre-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Tony attempts full time parenting of a teenager, We love him anyway, febuwhump 2020, hearing loss, it's harder than he expected it to be, may goes out of town
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-15
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:28:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22742527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hailingstars/pseuds/hailingstars
Summary: “What happened to going to bed?” asked Tony, trying to keep his eyes from going back to the discarded cans of energy drinks.“It’s not even twelve yet,” said Peter, with a blink.Tony breathed in deep. “Right. But I said, get ready and go to bed, and then you said okay sure Mr. Stark.”“No.” Peter looked truly puzzled. He plopped another gummy worm in his mouth and Tony cringed. “You said when you’re ready go to bed and then I said okay.”“Do you have hearing loss?” asked Tony. “Or maybe memory loss? Cause that is not how that conversation went, bud.”ORMay and Pepper go on a vacation, leaving our favorite genius idiots behind, and full time parenting is a lot more frustrating than Tony thinks it will be.Febuwhump day 15: hearing loss
Relationships: Peter Parker & Tony Stark
Series: unbelievably unlikely (febuwhump 2020) [13]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1619662
Comments: 24
Kudos: 405





	cruel and unusual

Tony laid in his bed and stared at the ceiling, thinking about how wrong both May and Pepper had been.

It didn’t happen often, so he felt like he needed to dwell on it, needed to keep giving himself mental pats on the back for how capable he was looking after Peter while the two of them traveled around Europe, soaking up much deserved leisure time.

“Are you sure you can handle this?” Pepper had asked him, as she packed her bags. “We’re planning to be gone a couple of weeks…”

“Pep,” said Tony. “He’s a teenager. Almost a fully-grown person. I think I got it.”

Pepper leaned in and gave him a kiss on the cheek, carrying her bags. “I don’t believe you, but we really need this vacation and it took me forever to convince May to let us pay for it.”

She zipped out of the bedroom without another word, leaving Tony to follow her into the living room, where Peter and May, with her own bags, had been waiting for them. The two of them left, after May gave Peter another hug, a kiss on his forehead and told him to be good.

Once they both disappeared into the elevator, Peter and Tony had looked each other, a silence settling over the room.

“Hungry?” asked Tony, checking his watch.

Peter shrugged. “I could eat.”

Tony nodded and took his cellphone from his pocket. He ordered dinner from his favorite restaurant, making sure it was a well-balanced meal. Something that Peter liked, but also something that was good for a growing spider.

They had a pleasant meal, filled with pleasant conversation, before they both stumbled down to the workshop to work out some upgrades. That was hours ago. Tony had paid attention to the time. He’d sent Peter to bed in time for him to get good sleep for school the next day.

He could do this. He could totally do this.

A loud crash broke Tony away from his thoughts.

“Friday what was that?”

“It appears that Mr. Parker has thrown a game controller into the wall, boss.”

“Impossible I told him to go to bed,” said Tony already rolling out of his bed and putting his feet on the floor. He marched down the hallway, ready to get to the bottom of this, and when he swung open the door to Peter’s room, found him sat cross legged on the floor.

Textbooks and notebooks surrounded him, but went ignored in favor of the near empty bags of candy and chips. Tony’s eyes popped out of their sockets when he saw not one, but two cans of Monster laying opened on their sides. He cleared his throat, trying to make his disapproval known, but it didn’t get Peter’s attention.

His eyes were glued to the TV screen, a controller locked in his hands. Remembering what Friday had said, his eyes drifted to the wall, where there was a dent and a broken game controller lying nearby.

“Kid,” he said. “What the hell are you doing?”

There was no response. The kid was a zombie.

Tony marched over and unplugged the video game machine, whatever it was called, from the wall.

“Hey!” said Peter, having the audacity to sound offended. “Mr. Stark! I was winning!”

“What is all this garbage?”

“Just some snacks,” said Peter, a bit defensive. He popped a gummy worm into his mouth. “It’s really rude to shut my game off like that.”

Tony stared at him, wondering what had happened to the polite kid he’d been having dinner with just hours ago, wondering maybe all teenagers turned into garbage eating, whiny, aggressive video game gremlins after the sun went down.

“What happened to going to bed?” asked Tony, trying to keep his eyes from going back to the discarded cans of energy drinks.

“It’s not even twelve yet,” said Peter, with a blink.

Tony breathed in deep. “Right. But I said, get ready and go to bed, and then you said okay sure Mr. Stark.”

“No.” Peter looked truly puzzled. He plopped another gummy worm in his mouth and Tony cringed. “You said when you’re ready go to bed and then I said okay.”

“Do you have hearing loss?” asked Tony. “Or maybe memory loss? Cause that is not how that conversation went, bud.”

Peter blinked up at him, his eyes owlish and innocent and fake. “That’s how I remember it.”

Tony took another deep breath. He pointed to Peter’s perfectly made bed, evidence that the boy hadn’t even so much as sat down on it. “Go to bed.”

“Mr. Staaarrrkkkk,” said Peter, throwing his head back dramatically. “I’m not five. I don’t have a bedtime, and plus,” he waved his hand at all the empty cans of Monster Tony had been trying to ignore. “No way I’m falling asleep now.”

“Do I even need to ask,” started Tony. “Why in Friday’s good name you thought it was a good idea to drink these this late at night?”

“I have a test tomorrow. I was gonna pull an all-nighter and study.”

Tony opened his mouth and started to say something about the video game, but closed it again. Took another breath, mostly frustrated that Pepper and May had not actually been wrong, and teenagers came with their own specific kind of terror toddlers could never manage.

Mostly, reminding Tony of his own bad habits.

It was too late for reprimands, though. Peter was already pumped with caffeine.

Tony collapsed down to the floor next to him, put one of those disgusting worms in his mouth and said, “Okay, I’ll help you study.”

Peter grinned at him and the two of them went to work. By the time the sun was coming up and Peter’s alarm was going off, the boy himself was knocked out cold, drooling on the floor, with candy wrappers stuck in his hair.

Tony turned the alarm off before it could wake him up, opting instead to pull the blankets off his bed and cover him up. He stepped out of his bedroom and called the school, telling them Peter was sick and wouldn’t be coming in.

After that, he crawled back into his own bed, hoping to catch a few hours before waking up to make breakfast. Before he fell asleep, he told Friday to remind him to confiscate any energy drinks Peter might have stashed before bedtime.

Teenagers might have their own terrors, but Tony Stark never made the same mistake twice.

*

“This is cruel and unusual.”

Tony ignored Peter’s whining and focused on tapping his fingers to the beat of the AC/DC that pumped through the speakers down in the workshop. He was at his workstation, adding upgrades to one of Peter’s Spidey suits, and Spider-Man was up on the ceiling, hanging upside down while he finished the project Tony had given him.

“And boring,” said Peter. “What’s May gonna say when I tell her you kept me out of school to fix a Playstation controller?”

“Probably not as many swears as when she found out you drank yourself into a sugar coma and had to miss a day of school.” 

Peter landed on two feet next to him with a “Pffff.”

He put the controller on the workstation and Tony was surprised that it was already fixed, already looked brand new. How Peter accomplished anything hanging upside down, Tony didn’t know. He thought it was better not to question it.

“Done.”

“Great,” said Tony. He bent down and picked up a bucket of dry wall, shoving into his stomach. “Now go fix the wall.”

Peter let out a lengthy sigh, but ultimately got into the elevator, and did as he was told.

*

Tony decided to one up himself that evening. He made their dinner from scratch instead of ordering out. It only resulted in two near fires and an assault on his self-esteem when Peter cringed and took his first bite slowly as if Tony were trying to poison him.

“This is actually pretty good, Mr. Stark,” said Peter, with his mouth full.

“See? Cooking, there’s nothing to it except following directions. Don’t know what Pepper’s always complaining about.”

Peter gave him a funny look but kept eating his spaghetti. Once they were both finished, Tony took the cheesecake he’d made out of the fridge and put it on the counter. He sliced two pieces and gave one to Peter, who ate it with just as much enthusiasm as he had the spaghetti.

“Um,” said Peter, after all his cake was gone. “I feel weird.”

“That’s not funny, kid,” said Tony. “It was good and you know it.”

“W’at,” said Peter, stopping at the sound of his own slurred words. “W’at was in t’at?”

Tony frowned at him, feeling his anxiety spiking. He pulled out his cellphone, pulled up the recipe and he used and slid it across the table for Peter to look over.

“Peppermint?” asked Peter. “I’m a spider!”

“Kid what – “

“I’m allergic to peppermint!”

Hours later, after some panic-filled driving to the medbay at the Tower, after a shot that Tony had to distract Peter while they administrated, and after Peter was finally able to start talking properly, he looked over at Tony with an annoying smile.

“You tried to poison me.”

“Shame it didn’t work out.”

“Rude,” said Peter. He looked down at his phone and scrolled with his thumb, holding it up for Tony to see after just a few seconds. A picture of May and Pepper was up on the screen, both of them smiling. “Looks like they’re having fun.”

“Yeah,” said Tony, with a nod.

“Can you believe they’ve only been gone for a day? Feels like longer.”

Peter was right. It felt like an eternity. Longer than eternity. Tony wondered if kids, teenagers in particular, had some kind of supernatural ability to make time turn slower. If Tony had learned anything about the time of their absence, it was that taking care of a kid, any aged kid, was terrifying.

Still, he wasn’t ready to admit Pepper and May were right when they told him he had no idea what he was doing. At least not out loud.

“I won’t tell May about Monster-gate if you don’t tell Pepper about our trip to medbay.”

The reply was immediate. “Deal.”

Tony nodded his head, thanking the universe, or whoever else might be paying attention, that at least him and Peter were on the same page about something.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!!
> 
> kudos and/or comments let me know what you think!!


End file.
